Love Is….

manwoman (3)

“How do I stop loving a girl who doesn’t love me,” someone asked me.

I didn’t answer him correctly. I gave some bullshit answer. The correct answer is: there’s nothing you can do. You’re in pain. You’re wounded. Time heals all wounds.

For me, I fall in love very quickly so my only solution is to fall in love again, whatever that means – usually obsession and addiction and disappointment like someone sitting on your lungs and not letting you breathe until just a single breath is all you ask for.

In other words, I make every mistake possible.

But I did give some response a la Sting about setting them free and he replied and said, “but shouldn’t love REQUIRE that the person I love make me happy?”

What!?

Requirements are bad. I require that the world give me a lot of money, that the world make my kids put their phones away at dinner, that it’s not 4 degrees outside right now.

I require that people who have long ago stopped talking to me just relax and start talking to me again. I require that that one girl never had an abortion.

I require that I never lost so much money and went broke that one time. Or two times. Or three times.

Requirements are for people who want to be unhappy. Because it’s your rules or the universe’s rules. The universe is going to win. Every time.

And yet…

I’m sorry I’m about to do “the list”. I don’t really like it when people tell me the list of things they KNOW.

Because nobody really knows anything. The laws of physics change every few years. And now kale and juicing will supposedly rot your insides. Nobody knows anything about health, sex, love, atoms, and biology. Nobody knows anything about economics and finance.

We’re all monkeys that have been given typewriters by some extradimensional alien race and the joke is on us.

But some people post the list of things they know on Facebook. So I’m going to answer his question here. But with the qualifier that I am not a natural at love and had to figure this out in very difficult ways, in difficult situations, where everyone was miserable until a shred of learning could be pulled out.

If you want to add, please do so in the comments.

I say this because I need to learn. I want to learn. I want to be a loving person and know how to treat people right and that’s very hard to do.

I’ve often treated people wrong. You can’t love until you forgive yourself…but you have to remember.

Whenever you think you know something, leave an empty box open inside your head so other people can put new things in there.

Love is:

  • Love is when you have no demands on the other person. Not even to make you happy.
  • Love is when you care what they do, but don’t worry about what they are doing.
  • Love is when they say or do something insignificant and you feel, “SURPRISE!”
  • Love is when you miss them, but don’t require them.
  • Love is when they are right all the time, even when they are wrong. You might be wrong. Who knows?
  • Love is when you love the other people who love them.
  • Love is when you see who they are. Not when you see who you want them to be.
  • Love is when you’re afraid to lose them, but you don’t try and “keep” them.
  • When there’s drama, Love is when you both wrote the script together.
  • Love is when they are upset and tell you and you count to two before you respond, “You’re right”.
  • You love them when you keep yourself clean and you sleep well and eat well.
  • Love is when you forgot to tell them something… all the time.
  • Love is when you can’t sleep and are feeling sick and anxious and its 3am, but you reach out and touch them and now you are feeling a little better.
  • SURPRISE!
  • Love is when they are sick and there’s nothing you can do so you listen to them.
  • Love is when they want to do something and you don’t, so you don’t and everyone feels good about it.
  • Love is when you just think “laugh”, and they start to laugh.
  • You love them when you can still love yourself.

This isn’t a list of what you SHOULD do when you are in love. If you feel “should” then you might not be in love.

These are things I feel when I’m in love. Love comes and goes. And comes and goes. It’s ok to not be in love. And it’s okay to be in love forever.

I’m married just a few years. And I’m divorced before that. So I know nothing.

If you become unhappy, then maybe the love was just a passing love. Don’t fall into the trap of “love” when it is just “want”. You learned from each other and now can move on.

Thank god you met. And now thank god you can leave each other at the right moment.

That’s a love that lasts forever.

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